When happiness runs dry ->

Sorrow so what?

Twisted words you gave to me

 How hurtful the experience of you

 And though we never discussed

The feelings were always there

What you saw in me I could never see in myself

And what I saw in you was impossible for you to comprehend

Fixated on your life and everything about you

My own envy of everything I wanted to become was within you

A mirrored reflection of some powerful creature

Take me under you wing and give me the wings I’ve never had

All so that I could fly

Instead it all just shattered me over night

Blinded by who I’ve become all these years

Questioning every experience

Envying your ways

Because you lived the life that I never had, I always wanted

Your sister, Your mother, Your friends

Your charm, Your intelligence, Your strength

How I fed off of your powers

Though you never knew this

For you were so blinded by your ego

That you did not care

Little did you sense but until the end

When your powers had spread to me

And I then had the ability to rise

Yet you wanted to keep me small

How disappointed I was in you

When I built you up and fed you all my love

Like a baby how I coddled and gave to you

And how you used my desired love

Put it back into yourself

When I was poisoned

And mother was dying

Lover was never there

And you never felt how I felt in that moment

It was a moment of truth

Among many other disappointments

This one had shined through I should have known

As I watched you with your grandmother dying

And how your selfish ways

You never cared

How could I be such a fool

To make love to you with my body

All these years to a complete stranger

How foolish I have been to fall for such trickery

How you used me and lied to me

When only pureness came when you wanted something

What a life lesson to learn

Never did I question myself as a victim of such betrayal

How you hurt me dear lover

For the pain you have given me inside

The pain and the damage within

We blame each other

But in the end

I always was the one to lose

For it is you the man who came on top

How could I stop you?

How could I support you?

Your spotlight was your own

Everyone who entered your life was but a mere puppet

A sick creation of your own kind

Solely to grow the monster within

And when you breathed your fire

How the burns left such scars

What a life that you lived and yet you lived

Sickened how it turns me on that you survived

Strongest of men and protector

How you will grow into such a position of power

What you always wanted

And I to you was your slave

Awakened by the reflection that I saw

A realization that the grandeur was never mine

How I lived my life through you

And without you I was nothing

How you hurt me

How you made me pay for the price of this love

And your greed let you get away with everything

When in the end my whole life had been lost

Of all my years of suffering and pain

Until I met you and grew along side you

But why lover was it not beautiful?

Why this creation was a disaster?

I question my artistry

That the elements and ingredients had to falter

Deceived by my very own heart

Trying to paint you from my palette

Tricked my mind and thoughts into believing

How I jumped from your moving train

And was shattered to pieces from the fall

Everything I envisioned of perfection

Suddenly created a nightmare

How the experience of you resurfaced father

How my very own mother was seen in your mother’s eyes

Your sister was the sister I never had

All the love and attention that was given to you

I never had

My own insecurities, pains and jealousies

I faced them in aftermath with great pain

I don’t know why I had to do it

So mad at myself that I had to try it

And how I lived through it with you

Such an aweful man to treat me in such a way

I never want to go back to it again

Chilling ways I couldn’t help but explore what was there

And what I saw was truth

How I learned from you

How I taught myself by being around you

You took yourself away

Now when time is running out I am left alone

All by myself again to fight in this world

I am spineless

To fight with my mind as body is weak

Your physical strength overpowered me

And your mind was even stronger

I couldn’t stand it

I could never appreciate it

Only at times when you brought your mind down to my level

Makes me feel so small

Your brain power, your super power, super human

I was but mere mortal

A number you randomly picked out from the crowd

And I followed you

Like a blind deer

Where ever you roamed I tagged along

When on your trail I lost myselfI lost everything what little I had

Poor, poor girl

How the experience of you made me less of a person

Weak how I admit the truth

Because though you are mere mortal

Your childish selfishness showed me a real truth

And all of your foolish words and actions

How you mocked me

How you used me

How you thought you were better than me in more ways than one

Made me defend myself to its entirety

Made me fight for myself wholeheartedly

And when I could not fight

When I lost my balance

You hit me

Smacked me in the face over and over

How I took your hits like a sorry punching bag

Until you hit me so many times

That the punching bag began to leak blood

All over the floor

When you threw all the punched that you could at me

You ran away and left me there to die

Drowning in my own blood bath

No one was there to clean up the mess

To dirty of a job, a sight for sore eyes

All the pain and suffering

Not one soul wanted me

Such a messy little girl

Nothing to offer

Soulless

Laying in that pool of blood as the days go by

Months pass and I try my hardest to bounce back

Alone, voices call to me

I try to reach out but no one hears

Crawling back to life

Slowly healing from the years of pain

My failures were because of you

Everything you put me through

How you could kill an innocent person

And just walk away

Heartless

Without a care in the world

Cry myself to sleep every night

The wounds are still there

Without an option it always haunts me

I want nothing more than the pain to leave me alone

How solitary this part of self can be

Dealing with this emotion and pain my whole life

Since I was a little girl

How it resurfaces in different ways

For once I want a normal life

Take me away from this misery of personal pain

Severed wounds, broken bandages

I just want to be healed

Fix it the right way  

JL