Romantic Love Affairs Makes Me Wanna…->

 

Try It All Out

How much more?

What’s left to explore?

What you didn’t want me to do?

Why shouldn’t I do?

Rebelling against you

Daddy, boyfriend, mentor, friend

Whatever the hell you are to me

I don’t even know

What twisted roles

Think something was wrong with your head

Make me stoop to your level

Never again

Storming out of control

Don’t let me stop this manic

But you interfered

Without good intentions

Hindered everything

Now the pallette is a mess

I don’t know which color to choose

Can’t seem to see the difference

What little did I know

How much did you hide?

Secrets, lies, betrayal

Loyalty I should have known

Angry at the forest

Trees did not protect me

And your hunting left me parralyzed

Thank god the damage was not completed

For the creatures of the night came to save me

Broken winged butterfly

Little girl, little girl, little girl

JL

As Soon As Time Runs Out You Spit Me Out ->

 

Pains Me Deeply, Pains Me All Over These Feelings

 

I’ll never live up to what you always wanted me to be…

 How damaging it was to experience you

How you threw me out and left me there to die

Everyone just walked away

They didn’t know, they couldn’t see

I knew you saw it, felt it all along

Instead you sacrificed me for your own greed

You left your lover out in the cold

On the streets left me there to fend for myself

And no one was around to save me

It was so easy to blame me

Walk all over me

Over and over

Weak, pathetic soul am I

Who would read such crap?

How it feels to be poor

How it feels to be unwanted

How it feels to be tossed

My time is ticking

Aging beauty gone astray

Betrayed by my love, betrayed by the world

With no army to fight

I stand alone

What you wanted

Breaking me apart

All your shattered lies

I am left to fight

Millions of others want that spot

And you defeated me

Your own lover you left behind

Laughing at the trail you leave behind

When I was the giver

All you did was take

And you took everything

More than you deserved

How I let you do it

Strip me of what little power

Pathetic soul

How weak a woman I have become

Never to grow in proper

Her own shell has been damaged

Damaged by love

The washing of the years

How little do we know

What is left?

A mere mortal

Everything magical has suddenly disappeared

Left to die

I see nothing but uncolored visions

When all the magic has disappeared right before my eyes

Everyone left me behind

And the most painful experience

Was that of losing you

How you tied me close to your leash

From the very beginnings

When I had no clue

I followed you

I learned from you

Something, someone, a figure that I never had

What I thought was making me stronger, better

It had only made me weaker

The experience of you

How you broke me down

Used me

My gifts were yours for the taking

And how you took from me

Against my will

I tried to fight back

But you as man used your powers

Against my will

Deteriorated my insides

Left me souless

More Numb than I already was

Making me feel so small

I never knew any better

What I thought you showed to me I thought was a better life

Now I realize the struggle

How the love of war for you

Made me completely turned upside down

And to numb the aftermath of this pain

I turn to whatever fantasy suffices this tragic horror

All my thoughts consumed of crashing down

I gave my all to my lover

Everything I could

All my passions

Only to have him betray me

Use me

Belittle me

Take from me

Look down on me

Manipulate me

Control me

I never wanted it

And before I realized everything

It was just too late

Your charming ways

I fell into your trap from the very beginning

What I searched for

What we had

It all disappeared

In time

A more mature love

Time is ticking

And the pain of you moving on

Without me

How I fear the pain of abandonment

And you abandoned me

Left me

How could you love?

How could you do it?

Not like this

I wasn’t ready

How it all has hit me

When I wasn’t prepared

I fell down

Harder than I ever fell

Trying to be strong

Trying to hold on

Just have a hard time letting go

Clinging to what is no longer there

Fantasy is crazy

Leaves me lost in reality

Discovering myself again

What is next to become?

————————-

I am writing and I am crying

I am writing and I am dying

JL

 

You were the best I ever had ->

 

- – LOVE – -

 

Turned away, saved my sanity

Never looked back all those times

Haunting me with each day

As I try to replace you in every way

You did it all with intention

It was not what I wanted

I lived my dreams through your life

How I put my heart into it all

All this energy for you my love

And your greedy ways

Taking each ounce so many

When it all came down to it

You were never there

Left me to fight this world alone

How you watched me live

Every moment I recreate the memories

Cold heart I should have known

Every time I cried

You never shed a tear for me love

Everything about you was fake

And I am left with this platter

Wasted words and lies

Ignorant to the facts

The truth was there all along

Letting go of the past

The hardest times to succumb

How you lied to me and treated me badly

How I took your pain and let it reach my heart

Never cared for anyone else but you

You were too naive to blinded to see this truth

What you evoked in me

Neverending fairytales of what had been missing all along

Misinterpreted love

I never took you for granted

Gave you everything of me

Wish you learned in time

Wished that you would have realized the pain

All that I suffered inside

How you made me feel

Never could I relive this

Too see you happy my love

Makes me cry inside

So sensitive my heart

For I never had such a life

Such an experience that I lived with you

Undying love

Feeding my soul I breathed your air

Never wanting to let go

I held on as best as I could

But in the end

You had to be a man

You let your pride and your ego get in our ways

If only you could feel what I had felt all along

I never meant to hurt you

All I ever wanted was to be with you

Love you forever

Time is passing

We are growing

We are changing

How I watched

How I learned

How I loved

How I lived

How I cried

How I envyed

How  I wanted

How I saw you in every light

Never have I felt such a way

My pure happiness in those moments were all with you

Since you’ve gone

Time has stopped

Life stands still

Moments no more

Memories forgotten

Every second of the day seems shattered

How many potential lovers have come

Begging for my hand

I turn away

Because no other can replace you lover

Why such torture?

Every one of them

I kiss there hands

I feel there soul

But I am souless

I feel cold

Stale, Mundane, Broken, Empty

Empty without your love

The space between us has made me realize the fantasy

All of you is what I wanted

And that is how it will always be

You have damaged me forever

To deny the truth

I would only be a fool deep down inside

Taking time to myself

It has only made me remember

All the special times

Memories I have yet to replace

No matter how hard I try

Can’t seem to forget you love

No matter how many others

As they come along

I turn them down

Love making is stale

I lay there like a log

No feeling but they do not know any better

Time has passed

People have moved on

Left me all alone again

By myself

No one to turn to

Without a voice

Clipped wings no flight

As I watch you take off into the air

With your passions

Your greatness rises

I fall to the ground

God made me for this suffering

My only gift is to feel each and every emotion, every pain

All I wanted was for you to share this with me

How good the pleasure and pain would feel

Bitter sweet is the love

It was there

It will always be there

As time passes

Without lover by my side

I run to to forest, blind deer

Hunted over and over by new prey

I succumb to them all

Words have no meaning

I let them eat me up alive

Because without you

Missing is my spine

I cannot fight

You will not love

I know in time you will be back

As I will find you again in the forest

Waking trees, faded memories

Thus shall all be brought back to life

 

JL

I Cried My Whole Damn Life ->

 

- Wake Up, Out Of Touch -

 

My whole damn life I’ve cried

Wasted tears, energy and fears

All because of what it never was

What could have been

Never had the love I need

To carry me on through these years

Turning to others for whatever they gave to me

I took it all in stride

Created a world of my own safe haven

Never had the life I always wanted

So I made it all up in my own mind

Warped me, twisted me

I have no clue

But what it was

What it’s become

I’m beginning to see its beauty

All your verbage I’ve witnessed

I lived being around you

Each experience surpassed the others

And this time

You’ve taken me on a ride that I will never forget

And to my own realization

After being lost in the midst of these clouds

I acknowledge the fact that I can make it on my own

How hard the struggles

How tough the road ahead

With or without you my dear lover

I’ve come to leave you behind

Bury you in the grave

In my heart, in my soul

The time is ticking

And I can feel the removal of our love

And new love is beginning to enter my life

From many angles

Never have I experienced before nor could I appreciate

How deepened the strength and the powers can go

How one touch, how one word, how one action

From the sympathy of unknown strangers

A new world that I am beginning to create

Remedies me

Leaves you behind

Each time I move toward them

Reaching out to the unknown

I find myself further away from your pain

An experience I’ve lived alone for all these years

Longed to share with you

But you were never there to appreciate the beauties with me

How saddening it all was

Time moves so fast

And without you I am growing

When I need you

When you wanted me

We no longer have each other

And I leave you now to fight your battles

And I am here to fight my own wars

Many that I bear

Lost in confusion

But I still have my hope

When just weeks ago I had no passions

How I searched near and far

Again and again trying to replace this disaster of the years

I’ve brought myself back to life

Found myself again

Sacrificed my all for all the hurt

But it is my duty to find it on my own

And the strength and power of what I will become

I owe it all to you

For all that you put me through

My resilience has made me stronger

I blame you for all this mess

I take the credit for finding my passions again

My dear passions so many

The ones you made me throw away

After all of these years

And somewhere, somehow after all you put me through

After being thrown out the door

You leave me burdened to carry this weight of my life

Take me away to never never land

Again and again I will find myself through the troubled world

Only to struggle but this time with my pride

You never looked back at me

Left your emotions aside

For I embraced every moment

What you invested in me

The shit that you put me through

Heart ache, pain, how you tore me apart

And after all the grief, after all the pain, hidden truths

I somehow managed to find myself again

On my own

Turning to others around me

Without a care where it is I found them

I needed them

And it somehow worked

I don’t know how

But as the time ticks away

I am forever in debted for what they did for me

Gave me the love I needed that you could not give

I only asked of you what was fair

And what all I gave to you

You took it all for granted

I no longer blame you

I no longer come to terms with you

I forgive you

And I will find another lover in time

How I love it this time around

Empowered by my own inner strength

What I’ve repressed and kept hidden all these years with you

I no longer wish the worst of you

Be happy lover

Adeau, I wish you well…

 

JL

When happiness runs dry ->

Sorrow so what?

Twisted words you gave to me

 How hurtful the experience of you

 And though we never discussed

The feelings were always there

What you saw in me I could never see in myself

And what I saw in you was impossible for you to comprehend

Fixated on your life and everything about you

My own envy of everything I wanted to become was within you

A mirrored reflection of some powerful creature

Take me under you wing and give me the wings I’ve never had

All so that I could fly

Instead it all just shattered me over night

Blinded by who I’ve become all these years

Questioning every experience

Envying your ways

Because you lived the life that I never had, I always wanted

Your sister, Your mother, Your friends

Your charm, Your intelligence, Your strength

How I fed off of your powers

Though you never knew this

For you were so blinded by your ego

That you did not care

Little did you sense but until the end

When your powers had spread to me

And I then had the ability to rise

Yet you wanted to keep me small

How disappointed I was in you

When I built you up and fed you all my love

Like a baby how I coddled and gave to you

And how you used my desired love

Put it back into yourself

When I was poisoned

And mother was dying

Lover was never there

And you never felt how I felt in that moment

It was a moment of truth

Among many other disappointments

This one had shined through I should have known

As I watched you with your grandmother dying

And how your selfish ways

You never cared

How could I be such a fool

To make love to you with my body

All these years to a complete stranger

How foolish I have been to fall for such trickery

How you used me and lied to me

When only pureness came when you wanted something

What a life lesson to learn

Never did I question myself as a victim of such betrayal

How you hurt me dear lover

For the pain you have given me inside

The pain and the damage within

We blame each other

But in the end

I always was the one to lose

For it is you the man who came on top

How could I stop you?

How could I support you?

Your spotlight was your own

Everyone who entered your life was but a mere puppet

A sick creation of your own kind

Solely to grow the monster within

And when you breathed your fire

How the burns left such scars

What a life that you lived and yet you lived

Sickened how it turns me on that you survived

Strongest of men and protector

How you will grow into such a position of power

What you always wanted

And I to you was your slave

Awakened by the reflection that I saw

A realization that the grandeur was never mine

How I lived my life through you

And without you I was nothing

How you hurt me

How you made me pay for the price of this love

And your greed let you get away with everything

When in the end my whole life had been lost

Of all my years of suffering and pain

Until I met you and grew along side you

But why lover was it not beautiful?

Why this creation was a disaster?

I question my artistry

That the elements and ingredients had to falter

Deceived by my very own heart

Trying to paint you from my palette

Tricked my mind and thoughts into believing

How I jumped from your moving train

And was shattered to pieces from the fall

Everything I envisioned of perfection

Suddenly created a nightmare

How the experience of you resurfaced father

How my very own mother was seen in your mother’s eyes

Your sister was the sister I never had

All the love and attention that was given to you

I never had

My own insecurities, pains and jealousies

I faced them in aftermath with great pain

I don’t know why I had to do it

So mad at myself that I had to try it

And how I lived through it with you

Such an aweful man to treat me in such a way

I never want to go back to it again

Chilling ways I couldn’t help but explore what was there

And what I saw was truth

How I learned from you

How I taught myself by being around you

You took yourself away

Now when time is running out I am left alone

All by myself again to fight in this world

I am spineless

To fight with my mind as body is weak

Your physical strength overpowered me

And your mind was even stronger

I couldn’t stand it

I could never appreciate it

Only at times when you brought your mind down to my level

Makes me feel so small

Your brain power, your super power, super human

I was but mere mortal

A number you randomly picked out from the crowd

And I followed you

Like a blind deer

Where ever you roamed I tagged along

When on your trail I lost myselfI lost everything what little I had

Poor, poor girl

How the experience of you made me less of a person

Weak how I admit the truth

Because though you are mere mortal

Your childish selfishness showed me a real truth

And all of your foolish words and actions

How you mocked me

How you used me

How you thought you were better than me in more ways than one

Made me defend myself to its entirety

Made me fight for myself wholeheartedly

And when I could not fight

When I lost my balance

You hit me

Smacked me in the face over and over

How I took your hits like a sorry punching bag

Until you hit me so many times

That the punching bag began to leak blood

All over the floor

When you threw all the punched that you could at me

You ran away and left me there to die

Drowning in my own blood bath

No one was there to clean up the mess

To dirty of a job, a sight for sore eyes

All the pain and suffering

Not one soul wanted me

Such a messy little girl

Nothing to offer

Soulless

Laying in that pool of blood as the days go by

Months pass and I try my hardest to bounce back

Alone, voices call to me

I try to reach out but no one hears

Crawling back to life

Slowly healing from the years of pain

My failures were because of you

Everything you put me through

How you could kill an innocent person

And just walk away

Heartless

Without a care in the world

Cry myself to sleep every night

The wounds are still there

Without an option it always haunts me

I want nothing more than the pain to leave me alone

How solitary this part of self can be

Dealing with this emotion and pain my whole life

Since I was a little girl

How it resurfaces in different ways

For once I want a normal life

Take me away from this misery of personal pain

Severed wounds, broken bandages

I just want to be healed

Fix it the right way  

JL

Silence Speaks A Thousand Words ->

 

I’ll bow down and pray to every woman I see…

 

Polish, sleek, what you want me to be

Who cares?

Where is the beauty when we are raw

Naked

REAL

I could never live it

Would drive me mad

To be your little puppet girl

Treat me like a dog, like a slave

How he laughs

The hunt, the chase and the kill

I nearly died

Somehow I managed to come back to life

What you did to me

How you treated me

Misdiagnosed with your own perceptions

Fantasy girl, fantasy world

Twisted me

Reality is such a hard time

And what a struggle

You had to do it

Just force it out of me

I wasn’t ready

Tried to birth me prematurely

Because your selfish greed had the best of you

You always had this weakness

The pattern of your life

What smells good is green

And the money gets you the girl

Not me

Never did I want to be your trophy, your token

Makes sense now

Spinning me upside down all this time

Feeding off of my weak mind

Would I do the same?

Many a lover have yet to see

I couldn’t tell

Back to life

Reality

Round and round we go

Spinning tea cup

Again and again and again

Rollar coaster ride of hell

Time to get off

We’ve both had our fun

I kept telling you to stop the ride

I wanted to get off

Little boy

Spinning the tea cups round and round

And so you asked for it

I threw it all up

All over you

All over the place

All over the whole god damn world

And I’m not done yet

Going to throw up everywhere I go

Until I get this bloody disgust out of my system

The best way I can

The surest way I know how

Sad but its true

I chose to be

I chose the path

Build my own foundation

Alone and without you

Something to prove

But not for you

Never was it for you

I did it all for me

How I knew my visions

Aware of it now I understand it

Wish we could have shared this power

Because I knew you all along

Wish I could have taped you

When it all was happening

You couldnt see it

What I saw

What I felt

What I learned

I am taking it along with me on my next journey

Like what did to me

Enjoy your next girl

I wish you all the best dear lover

Bloody kisses

Tears of joy

Rid you from my life

Forever…

 

JL

What’s the price, what’s the point? ->

 

Take me, shake me

Hold me down

Pains me

Your pain killer

Amuses me like so

Ha, ha, ha

Wanna be big bad wolf

Not funny

Not nice

Little boy

Little girl

Get serious

What a twisted, twit, twat

Wanna hate myself for

Wanna love myself for

Why can’t I see

Can’t see so clearly

Big boy

Such a toy

Wanna come out and play

Right now

La, la, la

JL

Lullaby My Head To Sleep ->

 

Turn off

Damn it just turn it all off

My over obsessions

Makes me the crazy woman now

So sane, what crap

Who is too blame?

Just wanna turn the noise off

So backwards

Can’t move forward

Scene replays

Time to move on

Can’t do it

Screw it

I’m still in love

Convince me otherwise

I’m still in love

 

Mess me up

Because of love

Damn you

How you treat me like a fool

Fool for you

Wanna make you want me

Scream so hard

Wanna try

Had to do it

Screw it

 

I love lover

I lover lover like no other

 

Damn world

World on hold

So many, so few

Wanna scream so loud

Get me out of this

Damn hell

What’s to come?
What’s to be?

Lover left me

No more city streets

So nice, was all so nice

Morning coffee

Wall Street mornings

Jerry says hi

Goodbye, goodbye

JL

 

Kisses For The Boy ->

 

Kisses for the boy

Cheeks so sweet

My little treat

Wanna hug you

All day long

Makes me feel

Like a little girl again

Holds me close

Lover by my side

Sunset walks

Ocean talks

Holds me

When I am cold

So deeply

Frightened and scared

He is there

Wants to protect me

So jealous is he

My lover

 

Lover want to be with you

See you through all the way

What’s a girl to do?

When I am no longer with you

Wanna experience everything with you

Hold me lover

It’s not so hard

Hold my hand

When you are scared

Want to guide you

Show you what I know

What I can do

I do for you

I want to be with you

Hold you

Never again

Will I leave you lover

 

Tug me

Pull my hair

Damn hair

What you do

Want to be with you

Only you

Gonna make me want you

Just you

 

Lover

Where you going?

Lover

Who are you seeing?

Lover

I hate those late nights

Lover

Why don’t you go to sleep?

Lover

Stop the work please, please, please

Lover

That’s enough no more

Lover

Spend some time with me

Lover

You have to believe in me

Lover

I am dying, I am crying

Lover

Choose something, someone lover

Lover

Waiting am I, don’t wanna be here

Lover

Lover

Lover

Scares me now what’s happening

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Haven’t heard from you what is wrong so worried am I

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

Lover

JL

Hear it all again and again and again ->

 

Tell me I ain’t that silly

Driving so fast so far

Take me anywhere but here

Gonna go around and around

Crazy without lover

God damn silly

Wanna split splat

Spring back up

Left it all behind

Mess, mess

Clean it up

 

Damn words

Fucking shit

Crap wanna whine

Blah, blah

Hang up phone

Don’t wanna hear

Don’t wanna be near

Where is lover?

 

Lover

Play

Morning Dew

Fun for you

All for you

Silly is the girl

Get the girl

Then what?

Then what?

 

Don’t wanna

But you take me

So deep

So fast

Makes me wanna..

Get a little crazy

Drive with you

I knew I loved you

Happy moments

Hold my hand

Never let me go

Don’t want it to end lover

Don’t want it to end

 

Wanna be by your side

Make love

Pull the damn car over

Just do it

Who cares?

Right here

Middle of the day

Hamptons roads

Damn them all

Let them just watch us

Love it

I love you

Being with you

Makes me wanna…

JL